Bob T
06-14-2005, 04:11 AM
* SOME NEEDED HUMOR
Monday June 13, 2005
Dear Thirsters:
In order to try to maintain some semblance psychological balance these days, I have invented a new hobby. Each day I take a blank sheet of paper and draw a vertical line down the middle, making two columns. On the left, I write down all the things that Mr. Bush has recently done that I approve of – especially those actions for which he is boldly, audaciously using up some of his self-claimed “political capital.” On the right, I write down all the things that he has recently done that I disapprove of, especially those where he has not had to use up any political capital. Fair and balanced, see?
The problem is that, day after day, there is never anything in the left column. To maintain ANY sense of psychological balance, I find that I need to resort to humor. Fortunately, my Thirster friends are constantly coming to the rescue. The first item below is provided by Thirster in Residence John Schaumburg, retired federal official; the second, by Thirster in New York Connie Simo, chemist and entrepreneur.
Thanks, John and Connie!
Best,
Bob
##########################
ITEM ONE: BUSH OUTSOURCED
Congress today announced that the Office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to overseas interests as of June 30th, the end of this fiscal year. The move is being made to save not only a significant portion of the President's $400K yearly salary, but also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead.
"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-Washington). Reynolds, with the aid of the GAO (General Accounting Office), has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively.
"We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed this morning by e-mail of his termination.
Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time. Sanji Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai India will assume the Office of President of the United States in July.
Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, making him eligible for the position.
He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will work primarily at the US 's night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express Call Center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the Office of President, this should not be a problem. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using this tree, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all.
"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "Mr. Bush has used them successfully for years."
Mr. Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 dollars a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately, he will not be eligible for Medicaid as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.
According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. One possibility is re-enlistment in the Army National Guard. Should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's nonsmoking terminal and gift shop.
Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.
ITEM TWO: SMART WOMEN
One morning a husband returns to his lake cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book, enjoying the peace and quiet.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't it obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Monday June 13, 2005
Dear Thirsters:
In order to try to maintain some semblance psychological balance these days, I have invented a new hobby. Each day I take a blank sheet of paper and draw a vertical line down the middle, making two columns. On the left, I write down all the things that Mr. Bush has recently done that I approve of – especially those actions for which he is boldly, audaciously using up some of his self-claimed “political capital.” On the right, I write down all the things that he has recently done that I disapprove of, especially those where he has not had to use up any political capital. Fair and balanced, see?
The problem is that, day after day, there is never anything in the left column. To maintain ANY sense of psychological balance, I find that I need to resort to humor. Fortunately, my Thirster friends are constantly coming to the rescue. The first item below is provided by Thirster in Residence John Schaumburg, retired federal official; the second, by Thirster in New York Connie Simo, chemist and entrepreneur.
Thanks, John and Connie!
Best,
Bob
##########################
ITEM ONE: BUSH OUTSOURCED
Congress today announced that the Office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to overseas interests as of June 30th, the end of this fiscal year. The move is being made to save not only a significant portion of the President's $400K yearly salary, but also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead.
"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-Washington). Reynolds, with the aid of the GAO (General Accounting Office), has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively.
"We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed this morning by e-mail of his termination.
Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time. Sanji Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai India will assume the Office of President of the United States in July.
Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, making him eligible for the position.
He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will work primarily at the US 's night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express Call Center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the Office of President, this should not be a problem. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using this tree, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all.
"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "Mr. Bush has used them successfully for years."
Mr. Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 dollars a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately, he will not be eligible for Medicaid as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.
According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. One possibility is re-enlistment in the Army National Guard. Should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's nonsmoking terminal and gift shop.
Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.
ITEM TWO: SMART WOMEN
One morning a husband returns to his lake cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book, enjoying the peace and quiet.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't it obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.